For all of my friends and family who are potentially reading this, there may be too much information for you in this post. It's emotionally angsty with my heart and soul poured out onto a platter for you all to see.
Before we start, I put a lot of hesitation into posting this. It has been in my draft box for a few days just staring at me. Olympics is easier and less revealing for sure. Mainly I'm not sure how Mr. TC will feel about me revealing our lives for the world to see. Hey, honey, do you actually read my blog? Well, I guess we'll see. Hopefully he'll finish the article and see this puts him in a good light.
On with the post...
I love a girl who speaks her mind. Even if sometimes what she says is controversial, women have been oppressed enough that if she wants to speak I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and listen. Usually.
Jelena at Confessions of a Twiholic recently put up a post that was a slight tirade. Please click on her name and give her post a read. It is directed at all us twihards and also sort of calls into question our love for Twilight or Rob and the reflection upon our relationship with our significant others. Not to analyze her post too much as you can read it for yourself. I love the fact that she isn't afraid to tell her side and give the rest of us some food for thought.
The reason I bring it up is because it sparks my internal struggle to figure out what I love about Twilight so much. Is it really Rob or Edward? Is it the adoring stupid crazy teenage love of Bella & Edward?
Her post made me feel ashamed. (Jelena, not your fault here and of course I'm not blaming you). I have to admit that when I first read Twilight I felt like I was walking through life but with blinders on. Mr. TC and I had been together for over 15 years and I had a fulfilling career and two young kids which left me drained with little energy for anything else.
Twilight propelled me, and I'm sure most of you who are also obsessed, into a world of basic Romeo & Juliet love where you would honestly die for the other person. The pedestal is high and that person hasn't fallen yet.
I am no longer a teenager and being with the same person for 15 years and having two kids drains that passion out of your life. Mr. TC has always professed that he loves me and despite all my insane quirks thinks I'm special, beautiful, smart, and all that. I don't think he ever lost that passion and love that had slowly been sucked out of me with the daily dredges of work and kids. I had been so blind.
Edward's love for Bella despite her clumsiness, outward appearance of being plain, skinny awkwardness, and shy nature jolted me out of my dazed bored dispassionate life. I finished reading the epiphany part of New Moon (where she has the revelation that Edward really loves her) and walked right upstairs and started crying on the bed with Mr. TC.
All I could say was "You really do love me don't you?" "You think I'm smart, beautiful, sexy, and aren't just saying those things because I want to hear them."
Mr. TC looked at me, exasperated, and said "Do I ever lie to you? (no he doesn't - the man will tell you if you look like a whale in a dress) Of course I love you. That's what I've been trying to tell you for the last 15 years."
With those words I realized that my husband loved me the way Edward loves Bella and I haven't been loving him back the way Bella loves Edward. This was my epiphany.
|Serious, I didn't GET that you really love me.|
Yes, I'm an idiot.
Don't get me wrong. I truly honestly deeply love my husband. But I don't think that I had shown him that love very much in the last few years and that filled me with regret.
I spent the next two days crying, just a blubbering mess wherever I went. You see I was mourning. So many years I wasted where my husband must have not felt as loved as he should have and that is no way for a marriage to be.
It is tragic to me that I had the blinders on for so long. It took a first person account of a girl in her teens who feels undeserving who suddenly realizes she is worthy and truly loved to shake me out of my stupidity.
The wonderful flip side of this is that I am 33. I could have spent so many more decades walking through life too busy to hold my husbands hand. But now I will be the one to grab his hand (and maybe his ass) and give it a squeeze.
|Yes, we are now this stupidly in love|
but without the silly outfits
I have to thank Stephenie Meyer for saving my marriage from potentially slowly spiralling into the irritable tension or dullness that eventually ends in divorce. Is it sad that I have to thank an author for giving me life again?
Often I feel alone in this. Twilight has brought a spark back to many peoples lives I think but maybe not for the same reasons.
Please let me know your thoughts and experiences too.
Now, for the next post, moving on to me admitting that I like looking at Rob Pattinson...